SUCKING THE ROMANCE OUT OF INTERNET DATING.
I've always looked down upon On-Line Personals Ads as a rather desperate, pathetic and needy way of going about meeting your significant other, next fling, or next one night stand. This method always struck me as being borderline risky (you never know what that person you're exchanging messages with is honestly like, or what they are actually seeking) when they put themselves "out there" in that fashion. To me, this approach is risking coming face to face with some extremely physically, psychologically or intellectually unattractive and undesirable individuals. This just seemed to me like something only a "Loser" would do to meet others. I'm very Old School.
A male friend of mine attempted to meet his "Ms. Alright For Now", only to constantly be meeting up with various versions of Miss Piggy at his local Starbucks for that initial in person meeting in a casual environment under casual and non-commital circumstances. He was all but traumatized at a number of face to face encounters that took place. Once he got all lathered up after a few days or months of playful, sexy, teasing and enticing banter on-line, only to see his dreams flushed down the toilet by finally eyeballing the purveyor(s) of these delightful fantasies "in the flesh". In the flesh is putting it rather mildly, since one of the ladys he corresponded with for sometime, showed up at a local Cafe Latte Boutique, needing 2 chairs to support her enormous girth. After a number of encounters such as these, he finally gave up on meeting his DreamSqueeze via the Internet. You just don't know what the hey is lurking out there, right? Well, of course, that was in the '80/90's before WebCams
became so prolific. Now one stands a much better chance of hooking up, at least temporarily with someone that won't catapault you into cardiac arrest just by glancing at them in person for the first time. You ALREADY know what they look like. And you have been completely won over by their intelligence and witty repartee.
Now, with online dating services having become technically sophisticated and improved Webcams in wider use, the On Line Dating sites are not as daunting and risky as they once were.
A good friend of mine has always been curious about WHAT she’ll meet via the various Internet Dating programs out there. She didn’t exactly get brave enough to post the REAL truth about herself though. She was alot more interested in what sort of responses a completely ridiculous Personal ad would elicit. Thus, her preposterous “Lonely Heart Cry of Desperation” appeared on CRAIG’s LIST, as well as another On-Line Personal website. Here is a taste of her heartachingly plaintive search for her "soulmate,"
her very own "Mr.Right:
SEEKING: TERMINALLY ILL WEALTHY MAN
Age 99 From Los Gatos, CA - Online Now!
Woman Seeking A Man
Basic Information:
Sign Taurus
Spoken Languages English, French, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, Arabic, Russian, Hebrew, Hindi, Binary, Polish, Turkish, Other
Self Description I'm an adorable, self-absorbed Goldigger seeking an extremely wealthy man with a terminal illness. You must own a lovely estate in Los Altos Hills, Menlo-Atherton, Saratoga, Palo Alto, Sausalito, Los Gatos, Big Sur area, Hollywood Hills, or Laguna Beach. Olympic size swimming pool, lakes, ponds, or beachfront properties desirable. You must be a complete Loner with no family or friends, and a life expectancy of less than 6 months.
Romantic strolls along the beach at sunset are nice but not mandatory, but a multitude of state of the art electronic toys, and ultimate driving machines are. Personal Trainer, servants, and in-home vegetarian chef a plus. I'm a very HOT cutie, and that's all you need to know about ME!
APPEARANCE & SITUATION:
Height 5' 3
Eye Color Brown
Ethnicity Indian, Middle Eastern, Other
Marital Situation Separated
Have Kids No
Want Kids No
Best Feature Smile
Body Art Belly Button Ring, Branded, Fanged, Other, Secret Piercings, Scarred, Strategically Placed Tattoo
Hair Color Brown
Pets Exotic Animal, Reptile, Other
STATUS:
Education Level University Degree
Employment Status Self-employed
Specialty Art / Music / Literature
Job Title SLACKER
Annual Income $15,000 To $29,999
Living Arrangements With Pet(s)
Housing Situation There Is Always A Party Going On
Smoker No
Drinker Yes - Like A Fish
TASTES:
Tv SelectionNews, Cartoons, Documentaries, Dramas, Situation Comedies, Instructional, Movies, I Don't Like Tv, I Wish I Had A Tv, Reality Shows
Favorite Tv Shows almost anything on CH9 because I'm an INTELLECTUAL
Movie Selection Action, Science Fiction, Comedy, Romance, Drama, Documentary,Animation, Horror, Thriller, I Don't Like Movies, I'm A Movie Actor
Favorite Movies GODFATHER, FRIDA, LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL,APU TRILOGY,
Music Selection Country, Rock, Metal, Classical, Vacuum Cleaner Noises, I Don't Like Music, I'm A Recording Artist, Blues, Jazz, Industrial, Ambient, Raggae, Folk, Punk
Favorite Artists DIAMANDA GALAS, WILLIAM S.BURROUGHS, TOM WAITS, FELA KUTE, PJ HARVEY, NEGATIVELAND, THE RESIDENTS, SNAKEFINGER,
Reading Selection News, Ancient, Anthology, Auto-biography, Biography, Classic, Comic, Computers, Fantasy, Health, History, Fashion,Horror, Humor, Instructional, Music, Mystery, Nature, Philosophy, Political, Reference, Poetry, Satire, Science, Science Fiction, Technical, I Don't Like Reading, I'm An Author
Favorite Reading How To Marry A Millionaire, Tolerating A Millionaire, How To Bury A Millionaire
Idea Of Fun At the beach, lying face down on a bottle of Jagermeister.
Personality In High School I Was A Teachers Pet
Social Behavior Reserved, Shy, Observant, Anti-social, Friendly, Party Starter, Fire Starter, Flirtatious, Outgoing, Dark, Strange
Interests And Hobbies Exercising, Arts & Crafts, Reading, Learning, Music, Tv, Movies, Internet, Clubbing / Bar Hopping, Dancing, Dining, Photography, Theater, Travel, Gardening, Cars, Camping, Fishing / Hunting, Computers
Idea Of A Great Time Hanging Out With Friends, Partying, Going Shopping, Staying At Home, Trying New Things, The Movies, Relaxing, Sleeping, Clubbing / Bars, Drinking, Extreme Sports, Reading A Book, Playing Dress-up, Tv, Going To A Concert, Going To A Museum
Our First Date CANOING DOWN THE AMAZON RIVER, FACE DOWN ON A BOTTLE OF JAGERMEISTER.
Always Wanted To Try To marry a very wealthy terminally ill man with no friends or family who has less than 6 months to live.
Friends Describe Me As Friendly, Troublemaker, Someone They Want To Be, Cool, Perfect, Raunchy, Obscure, Goofy, I Don't Have Any Friends, A Flirt
VIEWS:
Religion Agnostic
Attend Services Never
Political Views Green Party
Goal In Life To marry a terminally ill multi-billionaire who has no family or friends, and wants to be very generous to ME!!
Humor Campy, Clever, Dry / Sarcastic, Goofy, Obscure, Raunchy, Sadistic, I Never Laugh
Looking forAttracted To Intelligence, Good Looks, Humor, Great Skills, Empathy, Sensitivity, Oddities, Money, Power, Flirtatiousness, Wit, Thoughtfullness
Totally Looking For An extremely wealthy, terminally ill man with less than 6 months of life, that has no family or friends, except for ME, of course.
Relationship Type Wildly Generous Future Dearly Departed Husband
* * * * * *
No doubt that this is indeed a plaintive and tear-jerking quest for MR. RIGHT and it can't help but tug on your heart strings.
As silly, ridiculous and over the top as this may seem, it is probably closer to the truth for most women that post these ads. Indeed, this one Personal might be the most HONEST Personal Ad ever posted.
Believe it or not, she has actually gotten quite a few responses to this ad, and none were as negative as you might think. Most respondents were more amused than indignant or angry. That’s a damn good sign that there actually is hope for humanity after all! Well, OK, at least hope for a seemingly lost sense of humor.
**************************************
Another Personal Ad seen in BEST OF CRAIG’S LIST that clearly caught my attention because of it’s more than likely eerie foresight into the future of this, or any relationship is this gem:
HEY FELLAS!!
I'm a hot woman, bright and socially well adjusted. Have my shit together--full time job plenty of friends, clean apartment with good roommates, etc. I'm looking for similarly together man for the following type of relationship:
I work early, so we'll go to bed early on the nights you stay at my place (which will be more than I stay at yours since I doubt you'll be as clean or as frequent a sheet washer, and the two won't add up to every night of the week).
We'll spend a lot of time smoking pot and watching shitty TV or doing low key activities like reading or crossword puzzles with a bottle of wine. Occassionally, we will go to a bar for a couple of drinks with friends, catch a movie, or you might like to surprise me and we'll try a new restaurant...or an old favorite. Doesn't matter.
Some nights I will cook, ususally veggie heavy rabbit food that you don't really want, but you'll eat because it's made for you.
I'll surprise you occassionally with steak, which you like and I don't, or a tee shirt that reminded me of you or a CD I thought you might like.
We'll work out separately and in spurts that alternate between regular and lazy. Sometimes we'll do outdoor activities together on the weekends--bike rides, kayaking, camping--but more often than not we'll just talk about how it would be a good idea and not follow through.
Though I'm fully capable, you'll probably start assuming responsibilities like taking out my trash (after a good amount of time, obviously), putting together my IKEA furniture and handling anything that requires steady-handed drilling, nailing, etc.
I will think this isabsolutely adorable, and I'll try to do helpful things as well for you like reminding you of mother's day a week before the date or getting food and beers together for you to watch "the game" with "the boys." Actually, I'll probably consider the two afore mentioned options, deem them needy and annoying and clinging, and settle for giving you a blow job. I hope you don't mind.
I’ll have sex with you even when I’m tired and you’ll appreciate that. Every once in a while I’ll probably get influenced by one of those awful women’s magazines like Cosmo, and I’ll try to set the alarm for the middle of the night for sex or touch you in weird places they claim are “ultimate male g-spots,” and this will usually turn out to be more funny than sexy. You should always want to have sex with me, though over time you’ll probably propose something I haven’t done like a threesome or anal and I’ll probably consider it very seriously as some sort of birthday/anniversary/special occasion gift, but I’ll chicken out in the end. I’ll understand if this makes you mad for a couple of days.
Sometimes, on the weekends, I'll get excited that I don't have to get up early the next day, and I'll drink too much. If I'm out with you, you might embarrassingly have to bring me home. Or, I'll call you a thousand times until you pick up and let me come over or meet me at my place. I'll probably say something drunk along the lines of "I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you," or "I didn't mean to get this attached." For you to be a right fit, this shouldn't freak you out too much. I'm looking for a guy that can keep my drunk self from getting too worked up or hysterical and respect that the next morning I either won't remember what I said or I'll appologize for being sloppy. We can both make fun of me the next day when this happens. But you can’t make fun of me for having bad, sloppy sex.
You'll have to meet my family since I live near them and see them a few times a week--mom, dad, two brothers (one at college and one in high school). I keep up the appearance of being pretty held together around them...trying to minimize all the time I waste, exaggerating minor interests/activities. You'll have to be able to carry on a conversation about sports, politics, bike riding or music with my father, and my mom can talk about pretty much anything with you--I'd suggest family. She'll love to hear about your family. The brother that lives at home is hilarious and will make fun of you. I'll laugh a lot and you'll have to be secure enough to not take it personally. He'll highlight any flaw or distinct feature you have--receding hairline, accent, etc.--and draw attention to it mercilessly and at inopportune moments. Also, he'll notice one leg of yours that's one inch shorter than the other. I think he's hilarious, and this will only work if you either agree or are able to not take offense. My brother atcollege wont be around much, and he’s more or less the nicest person ever, so if you can't get along with him, you're crazy.
I'm pretty likable and confident that you're family will like me just enough to hope we get married when we're together and have deep, retrospective reservations about our relationship post break-up. I predict your sisters and your dad will like me best, just because that’s the way it usually goes. I'll also do well with co-workers and friends, as I tend to like everyone and am busy enough on my own to keep from smothering you.
After a period of time, I anticipate my roommates or yours will start making passive comments about an "extra person" living in the
apartment, and one or both of our parents may make alarming
comments about marraige, etc. We probably won't address this, but will do something stupid to sabatoge the relationship.
You'll become standoffish and I'll react by being clingy and the tension will rise until I end up crying outside a bar and pulling on your arm as you get in a cab. Or, maybe I'll make plans for a major life change--say moving across country or buying a condo (who knows, right?)--without consulting you and you'll break up with me through the classic fifth grade combination of ignoring me and trusting that it'll get back to me through mutual friends. I'll be briefly but intensely upset; I don't know how you'll handle your grief. After a period of time in which I'll probably date some ridiculous characters and make ridiculous proclamations about how much I hate men and love, and how I'll die alone and sad, we'll run into each other (mutual friend's wedding, etc.). I'll be stressed about this meeting, but we'll probably have a good conversation. At least, I hope we'll be able to be friends, and I think we will...until we get married, that is, at which time our respective spouses will feel uncomfortable and end our friendship. But we'll think of one another fondly, nonetheless. If this sounds good to you, drop me a line with a picture. We can get coffee or drinks or pretend to meet in a supermarket over awkward conversation about bread pricing or something. Whatever works for you.
*********************
I don’t know how you feel about this, but the Soapy way this thing reads out makes me believe that this is the direction most of these relationships will be headed in. If this is starting to sound abit negative, that’s only because.....IT IS.
I work early, so we'll go to bed early on the nights you stay at my place (which will be more than I stay at yours since I doubt you'll be as clean or as frequent a sheet washer, and the two won't add up to every night of the week).
We'll spend a lot of time smoking pot and watching shitty TV or doing low key activities like reading or crossword puzzles with a bottle of wine. Occassionally, we will go to a bar for a couple of drinks with friends, catch a movie, or you might like to surprise me and we'll try a new restaurant...or an old favorite. Doesn't matter.
Some nights I will cook, ususally veggie heavy rabbit food that you don't really want, but you'll eat because it's made for you.
I'll surprise you occassionally with steak, which you like and I don't, or a tee shirt that reminded me of you or a CD I thought you might like.
We'll work out separately and in spurts that alternate between regular and lazy. Sometimes we'll do outdoor activities together on the weekends--bike rides, kayaking, camping--but more often than not we'll just talk about how it would be a good idea and not follow through.
Though I'm fully capable, you'll probably start assuming responsibilities like taking out my trash (after a good amount of time, obviously), putting together my IKEA furniture and handling anything that requires steady-handed drilling, nailing, etc.
I will think this isabsolutely adorable, and I'll try to do helpful things as well for you like reminding you of mother's day a week before the date or getting food and beers together for you to watch "the game" with "the boys." Actually, I'll probably consider the two afore mentioned options, deem them needy and annoying and clinging, and settle for giving you a blow job. I hope you don't mind.
I’ll have sex with you even when I’m tired and you’ll appreciate that. Every once in a while I’ll probably get influenced by one of those awful women’s magazines like Cosmo, and I’ll try to set the alarm for the middle of the night for sex or touch you in weird places they claim are “ultimate male g-spots,” and this will usually turn out to be more funny than sexy. You should always want to have sex with me, though over time you’ll probably propose something I haven’t done like a threesome or anal and I’ll probably consider it very seriously as some sort of birthday/anniversary/special occasion gift, but I’ll chicken out in the end. I’ll understand if this makes you mad for a couple of days.
Sometimes, on the weekends, I'll get excited that I don't have to get up early the next day, and I'll drink too much. If I'm out with you, you might embarrassingly have to bring me home. Or, I'll call you a thousand times until you pick up and let me come over or meet me at my place. I'll probably say something drunk along the lines of "I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you," or "I didn't mean to get this attached." For you to be a right fit, this shouldn't freak you out too much. I'm looking for a guy that can keep my drunk self from getting too worked up or hysterical and respect that the next morning I either won't remember what I said or I'll appologize for being sloppy. We can both make fun of me the next day when this happens. But you can’t make fun of me for having bad, sloppy sex.
You'll have to meet my family since I live near them and see them a few times a week--mom, dad, two brothers (one at college and one in high school). I keep up the appearance of being pretty held together around them...trying to minimize all the time I waste, exaggerating minor interests/activities. You'll have to be able to carry on a conversation about sports, politics, bike riding or music with my father, and my mom can talk about pretty much anything with you--I'd suggest family. She'll love to hear about your family. The brother that lives at home is hilarious and will make fun of you. I'll laugh a lot and you'll have to be secure enough to not take it personally. He'll highlight any flaw or distinct feature you have--receding hairline, accent, etc.--and draw attention to it mercilessly and at inopportune moments. Also, he'll notice one leg of yours that's one inch shorter than the other. I think he's hilarious, and this will only work if you either agree or are able to not take offense. My brother atcollege wont be around much, and he’s more or less the nicest person ever, so if you can't get along with him, you're crazy.
I'm pretty likable and confident that you're family will like me just enough to hope we get married when we're together and have deep, retrospective reservations about our relationship post break-up. I predict your sisters and your dad will like me best, just because that’s the way it usually goes. I'll also do well with co-workers and friends, as I tend to like everyone and am busy enough on my own to keep from smothering you.
After a period of time, I anticipate my roommates or yours will start making passive comments about an "extra person" living in the
apartment, and one or both of our parents may make alarming
comments about marraige, etc. We probably won't address this, but will do something stupid to sabatoge the relationship.
You'll become standoffish and I'll react by being clingy and the tension will rise until I end up crying outside a bar and pulling on your arm as you get in a cab. Or, maybe I'll make plans for a major life change--say moving across country or buying a condo (who knows, right?)--without consulting you and you'll break up with me through the classic fifth grade combination of ignoring me and trusting that it'll get back to me through mutual friends. I'll be briefly but intensely upset; I don't know how you'll handle your grief. After a period of time in which I'll probably date some ridiculous characters and make ridiculous proclamations about how much I hate men and love, and how I'll die alone and sad, we'll run into each other (mutual friend's wedding, etc.). I'll be stressed about this meeting, but we'll probably have a good conversation. At least, I hope we'll be able to be friends, and I think we will...until we get married, that is, at which time our respective spouses will feel uncomfortable and end our friendship. But we'll think of one another fondly, nonetheless. If this sounds good to you, drop me a line with a picture. We can get coffee or drinks or pretend to meet in a supermarket over awkward conversation about bread pricing or something. Whatever works for you.
*********************
I don’t know how you feel about this, but the Soapy way this thing reads out makes me believe that this is the direction most of these relationships will be headed in. If this is starting to sound abit negative, that’s only because.....IT IS.
But for now
HAPPY V.D., Y'ALL!!
*************************************************************************************
posted by LAURELiCIOUS @ 10:21 PM
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